Kanibal Home Presents Rose Cottage (but no hi-fi)

Kristen is hot. I mean, seriously: smoking, sizzling, flame-broiling, momma-said-knock-you-out, one-hundred-and-fifty-five-degrees-in-the-shade, incomprehensibly, impossibly, unavoidably, uncomfortably hot. (Yow!) But that’s not what I meant to write about.

Let me start again.

Kristen (who is incredibly hot) owns and operates Kanibal Home, a thriving little shop located in the heart of Downtown Jersey City, filled with treasures new and old, handmade and lovingly restored. Even though there are no records for sale, I enjoy walking into Kanibal Home and browsing the selection of enchanting items. I walk in, and Kristen announces, “Well, hello Mr. Stephen.” And then she introduces me to several attractive women. For real: Every time I walk into Kanibal Home, I get to meet at least three beautiful girls. (But none more beautiful than the shop’s owner, of course.)

I tried to get Kristen to expand the shop, and I think it almost worked. See it now: Kanibal Home & Hi-Fi!

Kristen, I said, I was thinking about Kanibal Home and, from my admittedly skewed perspective, your shop lacks a certain type of home accessory: The hi-fi system.

I'm serious. (Or at least half-serious. I'm very rarely totally serious.) Hi-fi is cool, hi-fi is pretty, hi-fi should be in every home, I told her. I would like to see more hi-fi in Kanibal Home.

You need ideas? I asked. How about the Rega RP-1 turntable? It is affordable and easy to use, it sounds awesome, it's infinitely hip and comes from a long line of cool players, and it's available in pretty colors. How about a Peachtree Audio iDecco? It is retro-sleek. It combines old-fashioned values with modern conveniences. You can stick your iPod in it. All you have to do is add speakers. Speakers? How about the Wharfedale Diamonds? Diamonds are a girl's best friend. They look far prettier than should be allowed for just $350/pair. They illuminate meaning in music. You want meaning in music.

I continued: I was also contemplating our shared enthusiasm for all things carved from wood. I see you like glasses made of wood, earrings made of wood, bracelets made of wood, etc. What about earphones made of wood?

In the end, Kristen humored me, but she didn’t exactly buy into my scheme. (I’ll keep working.) Anyhow, this is not what I meant to write about.

Here’s what I meant to write about:

This Saturday, in celebration of her new Rose Cottage Spring Collection and to mark the second anniversary of Kanibal Home, Kristen is throwing a party. It will most likely be a very hot party, and it will take place at Parlay Studios (161 2nd Street, Jersey City; same location as the famed Record Riots). Audiophiles: There will be real live music from the Rakehells, Argon 40, Wyldlife, and Shayfer James; in addition, Adam Williams (formerly the guitarist of Powerman 5000 and currently one half of Argon 40) will be spinning records. There will be food provided by our very favorite, and arguably the best restaurant in Jersey City, Satis. (Like our own Sam Tellig, Kristen is a renowned von vivant, a gastronome, an epicure, a connoisseur...the girl’s got good taste. And I hear she also loves a good word—wink wink.) Refreshments will be provided by Hendrick’s Gin, Glenfiddich Whisky, and Sailor Jerry Spiced Rum. There will be a pop-up shop. (Guys, that’s when a regular shop temporarily opens up in a new location.) There will be lots and lots of beautiful women. And, obviously, I will be there, too.

Need another hi-fi hook? Look: Kristen carries Mathmatiks Turntable Rings!

So let’s shop, let’s dance, let’s laugh, let’s raise a Floradora to Kristen, and party until the golden hours of morning. (Then let’s go back to my place and write my July issue column. Okay?)

Saturday, April 9, 7pm: Kanibal Home presents the Rose Cottage Spring 2011 Collection at Parlay Studios (161 2nd Street, Jersey City). Food and refreshments provided by Satis, Hendricks, Glenfiddich, and Sailor Jerry. Admission is FREE. For more info, visit Kanibal Home.