Precisely because you're not miserable enough in the first place, if I follow this chap's reasoning.

A medical mystery solved?

Given its ubiquity, strength, and lightness, why don't they build bikes out of bamboo?

Yeah, that's a shock to anybody who has ever seen any of those commercials on late-night TV. But here's the thing, this Claire Hoffman article from <I>The Los Angeles Times</I> is a wonderful piece of participatory journalism.

It's Monday, I have a Jon Carroll column that discusses a new book on the differences between men and women, and it reveals the secret to stimulating a "major dopamine and oxytocin rush, which is the biggest, fattest neurological reward you can get outside of an orgasm." So how could I not link to it?

<I>"Hello, I'd like to apply for a Federal Grant? For what? Oh, to design and build a new, high-tech, very expensive turntable. What's that? It plays records. Yes, </I>that<I> kind of turntable. Of </I>course<I> they still make records. Why? How much time do you have? Oh, I forgot&mdash;you're a federal employee, you have all day! Well, I didn't mean to insult you. It was a joke....No, I'm serious about the turntable. You do? What kind of music? When are they from? RCA Record Club? Classical Music? 1950s and '60s? Yes. I'll give you $5 each. I know it's generous, but... How much money do I want for the grant? Coupla hundred thousand dollars. No, our turntables will never be used to play Marilyn Manson records&mdash;Marilyn doesn't do vinyl. It's in the mail? Thank you. I'll come get the LPs tonight."</I>

<I>"Hello, I'd like to apply for a Federal Grant? For what? Oh, to design and build a new, high-tech, very expensive turntable. What's that? It plays records. Yes, </I>that<I> kind of turntable. Of </I>course<I> they still make records. Why? How much time do you have? Oh, I forgot&mdash;you're a federal employee, you have all day! Well, I didn't mean to insult you. It was a joke....No, I'm serious about the turntable. You do? What kind of music? When are they from? RCA Record Club? Classical Music? 1950s and '60s? Yes. I'll give you $5 each. I know it's generous, but... How much money do I want for the grant? Coupla hundred thousand dollars. No, our turntables will never be used to play Marilyn Manson records&mdash;Marilyn doesn't do vinyl. It's in the mail? Thank you. I'll come get the LPs tonight."</I>

<I>"Hello, I'd like to apply for a Federal Grant? For what? Oh, to design and build a new, high-tech, very expensive turntable. What's that? It plays records. Yes, </I>that<I> kind of turntable. Of </I>course<I> they still make records. Why? How much time do you have? Oh, I forgot&mdash;you're a federal employee, you have all day! Well, I didn't mean to insult you. It was a joke....No, I'm serious about the turntable. You do? What kind of music? When are they from? RCA Record Club? Classical Music? 1950s and '60s? Yes. I'll give you $5 each. I know it's generous, but... How much money do I want for the grant? Coupla hundred thousand dollars. No, our turntables will never be used to play Marilyn Manson records&mdash;Marilyn doesn't do vinyl. It's in the mail? Thank you. I'll come get the LPs tonight."</I>

<I>"Hello, I'd like to apply for a Federal Grant? For what? Oh, to design and build a new, high-tech, very expensive turntable. What's that? It plays records. Yes, </I>that<I> kind of turntable. Of </I>course<I> they still make records. Why? How much time do you have? Oh, I forgot&mdash;you're a federal employee, you have all day! Well, I didn't mean to insult you. It was a joke....No, I'm serious about the turntable. You do? What kind of music? When are they from? RCA Record Club? Classical Music? 1950s and '60s? Yes. I'll give you $5 each. I know it's generous, but... How much money do I want for the grant? Coupla hundred thousand dollars. No, our turntables will never be used to play Marilyn Manson records&mdash;Marilyn doesn't do vinyl. It's in the mail? Thank you. I'll come get the LPs tonight."</I>