So there I am, sitting eating my lunch, watching the news on TV, waiting like the slavering dog that I am for more Mel goes Mad, when none other than Alice Cooper a.k.a. Vince Furnier, he of the large pearly whites and the exquisitely died hair, comes on CNN and begins batting his bright eyes and cheerfully expounding on his new youth center in Phoenix.

Precisely because you're not miserable enough in the first place, if I follow this chap's reasoning.

A medical mystery solved?

Given its ubiquity, strength, and lightness, why don't they build bikes out of bamboo?

Yeah, that's a shock to anybody who has ever seen any of those commercials on late-night TV. But here's the thing, this Claire Hoffman article from <I>The Los Angeles Times</I> is a wonderful piece of participatory journalism.

It's Monday, I have a Jon Carroll column that discusses a new book on the differences between men and women, and it reveals the secret to stimulating a "major dopamine and oxytocin rush, which is the biggest, fattest neurological reward you can get outside of an orgasm." So how could I not link to it?

<I>"Hello, I'd like to apply for a Federal Grant? For what? Oh, to design and build a new, high-tech, very expensive turntable. What's that? It plays records. Yes, </I>that<I> kind of turntable. Of </I>course<I> they still make records. Why? How much time do you have? Oh, I forgot&mdash;you're a federal employee, you have all day! Well, I didn't mean to insult you. It was a joke....No, I'm serious about the turntable. You do? What kind of music? When are they from? RCA Record Club? Classical Music? 1950s and '60s? Yes. I'll give you $5 each. I know it's generous, but... How much money do I want for the grant? Coupla hundred thousand dollars. No, our turntables will never be used to play Marilyn Manson records&mdash;Marilyn doesn't do vinyl. It's in the mail? Thank you. I'll come get the LPs tonight."</I>

<I>"Hello, I'd like to apply for a Federal Grant? For what? Oh, to design and build a new, high-tech, very expensive turntable. What's that? It plays records. Yes, </I>that<I> kind of turntable. Of </I>course<I> they still make records. Why? How much time do you have? Oh, I forgot&mdash;you're a federal employee, you have all day! Well, I didn't mean to insult you. It was a joke....No, I'm serious about the turntable. You do? What kind of music? When are they from? RCA Record Club? Classical Music? 1950s and '60s? Yes. I'll give you $5 each. I know it's generous, but... How much money do I want for the grant? Coupla hundred thousand dollars. No, our turntables will never be used to play Marilyn Manson records&mdash;Marilyn doesn't do vinyl. It's in the mail? Thank you. I'll come get the LPs tonight."</I>

<I>"Hello, I'd like to apply for a Federal Grant? For what? Oh, to design and build a new, high-tech, very expensive turntable. What's that? It plays records. Yes, </I>that<I> kind of turntable. Of </I>course<I> they still make records. Why? How much time do you have? Oh, I forgot&mdash;you're a federal employee, you have all day! Well, I didn't mean to insult you. It was a joke....No, I'm serious about the turntable. You do? What kind of music? When are they from? RCA Record Club? Classical Music? 1950s and '60s? Yes. I'll give you $5 each. I know it's generous, but... How much money do I want for the grant? Coupla hundred thousand dollars. No, our turntables will never be used to play Marilyn Manson records&mdash;Marilyn doesn't do vinyl. It's in the mail? Thank you. I'll come get the LPs tonight."</I>

<I>"Hello, I'd like to apply for a Federal Grant? For what? Oh, to design and build a new, high-tech, very expensive turntable. What's that? It plays records. Yes, </I>that<I> kind of turntable. Of </I>course<I> they still make records. Why? How much time do you have? Oh, I forgot&mdash;you're a federal employee, you have all day! Well, I didn't mean to insult you. It was a joke....No, I'm serious about the turntable. You do? What kind of music? When are they from? RCA Record Club? Classical Music? 1950s and '60s? Yes. I'll give you $5 each. I know it's generous, but... How much money do I want for the grant? Coupla hundred thousand dollars. No, our turntables will never be used to play Marilyn Manson records&mdash;Marilyn doesn't do vinyl. It's in the mail? Thank you. I'll come get the LPs tonight."</I>