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Jan Vigne
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Jokes

Lost ...

A small boy was lost at a large shopping mall.

He approached a uniformed policeman and said, "I've lost my grandpa!"

"The cop asked, "What's he like?"

The little boy hesitated for a moment and then replied,

"Crown Royal whiskey and women with big tits."

bifcake
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Re: Jokes

Wow, and all this time I thought you lacked all sense of humor and levity. Go figure.

Jan Vigne
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So much for thinking about getting along, eh, Alex?

[url=http://forum.stereophile.com/forum/showflat.php?Cat=0&Board=December2009...
http://forum.stereophile.com/forum/showf...=true#Post55938[/url]

The problem with fences ...

Thought y'all should read this in case you're thinking of installing an electric fence!
We have the standard 6ft. fence in the backyard, and a few months ago, I heard about burglaries increasing dramatically in the entire city. To make sure this never happened to me, I got an electric fence and ran a single wire along the top of the fence. Actually, I got the biggest cattle charger Tractor Supply had, made for 26 miles of fence. I then used an 8 ft. long ground round, drove 7.5 feet into the ground. The ground rod is the key, with the more you have in the ground, the better the fence works.

One day I'm mowing the back yard with my cheapo Wal-Mart 6hp bigwheel pushmower. The hot wire is broken and laying out in the yard . I knew for a fact that I unplugged the charger. I pushed the mower around the wire and reached down to grab it, to throw it out of the way. It seems as though I hadn't remembered to unplug it after all.

Now I'm standing there, I've got the running lawnmower in my right hand and the 1.7 gigavolt fencewire in the other hand. Keep in mind the charger is about the size of a marine battery and has a picture of an upside down cow on fire on the cover. Time stood still. The first thing I notice is my balls trying to climb up the front side of my body. My ears curled downwards and I could feel the lawnmower ignition firing in the backside of my brain.. Every time that Briggs & Stratton rolled over, I could feel the spark in my head. I was literally at one with the engine.

It seems as though the fence charger and the POS lawnmower were fighting over who would control my electrical impulses.

Science says you cannot crap, pee, and come at the same time. I beg to differ. Not only did I do all three at once, but my bowels emptied 3 different times in less than half of a second. It was a Matrix kind of bowel movement, where time is creeping along and you're all leaned back and BAM BAM BAM you just crap your pants 3 times. It seemed like there were minutes in between but in reality it was so close together it was like exhaust pulses from a big block Chevy turning 8 grand. At this point I'm about 30 minutes (maybe 2 seconds) into holding onto the fence wire. My hand is wrapped around the wire palm down so I can't let go. I grew up on a farm so I know all about electric fences... but Dad always had those POS chargers made by International or whoever that were like 9 volts and just kinda tickled. This I could not let go of. The 8 foot long ground rod is now accepting signals from me through the permadamp Ark-La-Tex river bottom soil. At this point I'm thinking I'm going to have to just man up and take it, until the lawnmower runs out of gas.

'Damn!,' I think, as I remember I just filled the tank!

Now the lawnmower is starting to run rough. It has settled into a loping run pattern as if it had some kind of big lawnmower race cam in it. Covered in poop, pee, jizz, and with my balls on my chest I think 'Oh God, please die... pleeeeze die'. But nooooo, it settles into the rough lumpy cam idle nicely and remains there, like a big bore roller cam EFI motor waiting for the go command from its owner's right foot.
So here I am in the middle of July, 104 degrees, 80% humidity, standing in my own backyard, begging God to kill me. God did not take me that day... he left me there covered in my own fluids to writhe in the misery my own stupidity had created...

I honestly don't know how I got loose from the wire.... I woke up laying on the ground hours later. The lawnmower was beside me, out of gas. It was later on in the day and I was sunburned. There were two large dead grass spots where I had been standing, and then another long skinny dead spot were the wire had layed while I was on the ground still holding on to it. I assume I finally had a seizure and in the resulting thrashing had somehow let go of the wire. Upon waking from my electrically induced sleep I realized a few things.

1- Three of my teeth seem to have melted.

2- I now have cramps in the bottoms of my feet and my right butt cheek (not the left, just the right).

3- Poop, pee, and semen when all mixed together, do not smell as bad as you might think.

4- My left eye will not open.

5- My right eye will not close.

6- The lawnmower runs like a sumnabitch now. Seriously! I think our little session cleared out some carbon fouling or something, because it was better than new after that.

7- My balls are still smaller than average yet they are almost a foot long

8- I can turn on the TV in the gameroom by farting while thinking of the number 4 (still don't understand this?)

That day changed my life. I now have a newfound respect for things. I appreciate the little things more, and now I always triple check to make sure the fence is unplugged before I mow. The good news, is that if a burglar does try to come over the fence, I can clearly visualize what my security system will do to him, and THAT gives me a warm and fuzzy feeling all over, which also reminds me to triple check before I mow.

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Re: Jokes

Jan,

That was funnier than shit! We need more of these self-revelatory, humble stories that celebrate our common humanity and silliness.

Good job, dude!

Jan Vigne
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Re: Jokes

Not mine, that came to me in a holiday email.

Seemed too good to let sit.

Hopefully this thread wil stay open and free of clutter for all to enjoy.

Everybody gets to contribute, that's the idea. This is where we share what we find funny whether it's your own or one someone told you.

I would hope the political stuff is kept to something we can all enjoy and we can have some fun here rather than have just the constant bickering that infests this forum on too many occasions. No "Little black kid" jokes and nothing overtly filthy. Just keep it funny for all to enjoy.
So add to and enjoy.

Jan Vigne
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On getting old ...

An old couple decide to go to the doctor for a checkup. The doctor tells them that they're physically okay, but they might want to start writing things down to help them remember. Later that night while watching TV, the old man gets up from his chair. His wife asks, "Where are you going?"

"To the kitchen" he replies.

"Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?"

"Sure."

"Don't you think you should write it down so you can remember it?" she asks.

"No, I can remember it."

"Well, I'd like some strawberries on top, too. You'd better write it down because you know you'll forget it."

"I can remember that. He says, you want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries."

"I'd also like whipped cream. I'm certain you'll forget that, so you'd better write it down" she retorts.

Irritated, he says, "I don't need to write it down, I can remember it. Leave me alone. Ice cream with strawberries and whipped cream I got it, for goodness sake." Then he grumbles into the kitchen.

After about 20 minutes the old man returns from the kitchen and hands his wife a plate of bacon and eggs. She stares at the plate for a moment and says - "Where's my toast?

Jan Vigne
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Military intelligence ...

A crusty old Sergeant Major found himself at a gala event, hosted by a local liberal arts college. There was no shortage of extremely young, idealistic ladies in attendance, one of whom approached the Sergeant Major for conversation.

She said, "Excuse me, Sergeant Major, but you seem to be a very serious man. Is something bothering you?"

"Negative, ma'am," the Sergeant Major said, "Just serious by nature."

"The young lady looked at his awards and decorations and said, "It looks like you have seen a lot of action."

The Sergeant Major's short reply was, "Yes, ma'am, a lot of action."

The young lady, tiring of trying to start up a conversation, said, "You know, you should lighten up a little. Relax and e njoy yourself."

The Sergeant Major just stared at her in his serious manner.
Finally the young lady said, "You know, I hope you don't take this the wrong way, but when is the last time you had sex?"
The Sergeant Major looked at her and replied, "1955."

She said, "Well, there you are. You really need to chill out and quit taking everything so seriously! I mean, no sex since 1955! She took his hand and led him to a private room where she proceeded to "relax"
him several times.

Afterwards, and panting for breath, she leaned against his bare chest and said, "Wow, you sure didn't forget much since 1955!"

The Sergeant Major, glancing at his watch, said in his matter-of-fact voice, "I hope not, it's only 2130 now."

Jan Vigne
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George ...

George : Condi! Nice to see you. What's happening?

Condi: Sir, I have the report here about the new leader of China.

George : Great. Lay it on me.

Condi: Hu is the new leader of China .

George : That's what I want to know.

Condi: That's what I'm telling you.

George : That's what I'm asking you. Who is the new leader of China?

Condi: Yes.

George : I mean the fellow's name.

Condi: Hu.

George : The guy in China.

Condi: Hu.

George : The new leader of China.

Condi: Hu.

George : The main man in China!

Condi: Hu is leading China.

George : Now whaddya' asking me for?

Condi: I'm telling you, Hu is leading China.

George : Well, I'm asking you. Who is leading China?

Condi: That's the man's name.

George : That's who's name?

Condi: Yes.

George : Will you, or will you not, tell me the name of the new leader of China?

Condi: Yes, sir.

George : Yassir? Yassir Arafat is in China? I thought he's dead in the Middle East.

Condi: That's correct.

George : Then who is in China?

Condi: Yes, sir.

George : Yassir is in China?

Condi: No, sir.

George : Then who is?

Condi: Yes, sir.

George : Yassir?

Condi: No, sir.

George : Look Condi. I need to know the name of the new leader of China. Get me the Secretary General of the U.N. on the phone.

Condi: Kofi?

George : No, thanks.

Condi: You want Kofi?

George : No.

Condi: You don't want Kofi.

George : No. But now that you mention it, I could use a glass of milk. And then get me the U.N.

Condi: Yes, sir.

George : Not Yassir! The guy at the U.N.

Condi: Kofi?

George : Milk! Will you please make the call?

Condi: And call who?

George : Who is the guy at the U.N?

Condi: Hu is the guy in China

George : Will you stay out of China?!

Condi: Yes, sir.

George : And stay out of the Middle East! Just get me the guy at the U.N.

Condi: Kofi.

George : All right! With cream and two sugars.

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Re: Jokes

old man and woman sitting down for breakfast.

old woman runs out of the room and comes back in with nothing but a cape on and shouts "SUPER PUSSY"!!!!!!!!

man says "ill have the soup"

Jan Vigne
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Jack and ...

The boss had to fire somebody, and he narrowed it down to one of two people, Mary or Jack. It was an impossible decision because they were both super workers. Rather than flip a coin, he decided he would fire the first one who used the water cooler the next morning.

Mary came in the next morning with a horrible hangover after partying all night. She went to the cooler to take an aspirin. The boss approached her and said 'Mary, I've never done this before but I either have to lay you or Jack off .'

'Could you jack off?' she says......'I feel like sh!t.'

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Nice ones!

To stay with the theme of the first joke:

A door to door salesman walk up to a house and rings the bell.

A boy, about ten years old, opens the door.

The boy is wearing women's undergarmets and is holding a glass of whiskey in one hand, and a lit cigar in the other.

The salesman is a bit stunned, and says, "Hi, son, are your parents home?"

The little boy looks up and says, "What the fuck do you think?"

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Jan Vigne
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Jan Vigne
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Have you ever wondered where the phrase "You gotta be shittin' me" came from?

Well, it just so happens to have originated through the Father of the United States.

Way back when, George Washington was crossing the Delaware River with his troops.
There were 33 in Washington's boat. It was extremely dark, storming furiously, and the water was tossing them about.
Finally, Washington grabbed Corporal Peters and stationed him at the front of the boat with a lantern. He ordered him to keep swinging it so they could see where they were heading.
Corporal Peters, through the driving rain and cold, continued swinging the lantern back and forth, back and forth. Then a big gust of wind and wave hit him and threw Corporal Peters and his lantern into the Delaware.
Washington and his troops searched for nearly an hour trying to find Corporal Peters, but to no avail. All of them felt terrible, for the corporal had been one of their favorites.

Sometime later, Washington and his troops landed on the other side, wet and totally exhausted. He rallied the troops and told them they must go on
Another hour later, one of his men said, "General, I see lights ahead!"
They trudged towards the lights and came upon a huge house. What they didn't know was that this was a house of ill repute hidden in the forest to
serve all who came.
General Washington pounded on the door, his men crowding around him.
The door swung open, and much to his surprise stood a beautiful woman.
A huge smile came across her face to see so many men standing there.
Washington was the first to speak, "Madam, I'm General George Washington and these are my men. We're tired, wet, exhausted, and desperately in need of warmth and comfort."
Again, the Madam looked at all the men standing there, and with a broad smile on her face, said, "Well, General, you have come to the right
place. We can surely give you warmth and comfort. How many men do you have?"
Washington replied, "Well, madam, there are 32 of us now without Peters."

And the Madam said, "You gotta be shittin' me!"

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A guy and his buddies go into a local bar to celebrate his birthday.
After about an hour of steady drinking, he walks up to the bartender and says "I'll bet you $200 that I can bite my right eye"
The bartender makes the bet, knowing this guy is bluffing.
The man proceeds to take out his glass eye, bites it, and collects his money.

Another hour goes by and this guy staggers back to the bar and makes another bet: "I bet you $300 that I can bite my left eye!"
The bartender knows that he is not blind and makes the bet.
The man calmly takes out his false teeth and carefully bites his left eye. He again collects his money, staggers back to his friends and continues to drink heavily.

He spends all of his winnings on booze and bar food for his friends.
Now, it's near last call. The man is so drunk, he can barely walk. He is dragged up to the bar by two buddies and propped up to the bar rail. In a loud, gin-soaked babble, he says to the bartender: "Hey barkeep, I fffixed those bets"...he almost falls over and spills his drink. "I want to make it up to you!" He almost falls over again, but catches a barstool. "I'm making a bet that I promise you will win!"

"Let's hear it." the bartender replies...
"Place a water glass way over at the end of the bar!"
The bartender is puzzled, but does so
.
"I'll bet you $2000 that from right here, I can piss straight into that glass without spilling a drop!"
The drunk takes out his money and throws it on the bar.
The bartender knows that this guy can't even stand straight, let alone clearly see the glass. The barkeep counts the money, and matches the bet.

The guy suddenly stands up straight and says "lets make this interesting, I'm gonna bet you 2:1. He throws another grand on the bar, while vomiting into his beer.
The bartender says you're on!
The guy pulls down his jeans, starts peeing into his shorts, pulls his dick out (while peeing), and proceeds to urinate all over the bar, the barkeep, and some customers in the line of fire. He doesn't even com close to the glass.

The guy collapses onto the urine-soaked floor, with the remainder of the cash falling out of his pockets.

The bartender laughs while he collects his windfall.
He asks the guy "you sloppy drunk, why did you make that bet?"

The guy points broadly at his astonished friends: "You see my friends? I bet them $10,000 that I could piss all over your bar and that you would only laugh at me!"

Jan Vigne
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Re: Jokes

What if there were no rhetorical questions?

Jan Vigne
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Jeff Foxworthy on Illinois, my home state:

If you consider it a sport to gather your food by drilling through 18
inches of ice and sitting there all day hoping that the food will swim
by, you might live in Illinois.

If your local Dairy Queen is closed from November through March, you
might live in Illinois.

If someone in a store offers you assistance & they don't work there,
you might live in Illinois.

If your dad's suntan stops at a line curving around the middle of his
forehead, you might live in Illinois.

If you have ever worn shorts and a parka at the same time, you might
live in Illinois.

If your town has an equal number of bars and churches, you might live
in Illinois.

If you have had a lengthy telephone conversation with someone who
dialed a wrong number, you might live in Illinois.

YOU KNOW YOU ARE A TRUE Illinoisan WHEN:

1. Vacation means going north or south on I-55 for the weekend.
2. You measure distance in hours.
3. You know several people who have hit a deer more than once.
4. You often switch from heat to AC in the same day and back again.
5. You can drive 65 mph through 2 feet of snow during a raging
blizzard, without flinching.
6. You see people wearing camouflage at social events (including
weddings).
7. You install security lights on your house and garage and leave both
unlocked.
8. You carry jumper cables in your car and know how to use them.
9. You design your kids Halloween costume to fit over a snowsuit.
10. Driving is better in the winter because the potholes are filled with
snow.
11. You know all 5 seasons: almost winter, winter, still winter, road
construction, & It's Hot.
12. Your idea of creative landscaping is a statue of a deer next to your
blue spruce.
13. Down south means Missouri to you.
14. A brat is something you eat.
15. Your neighbor throws a party to celebrate his new pole shed.
16. You go out to a tailgate party every Friday.
17. You have more miles on your snow blower than your car.
18. You find 0 degrees a "little chilly."
19. You actually understand these jokes and you forward them to all your
Illinois friends. (What's not to understand?)

Jan Vigne
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CHRISTMAS CAROLS FOR THE DISTURBED

1. Schizophrenia --- Do You Hear What I Hear?

2. Multiple Personality Disorder --- We Three Kings
Disoriented Are

3. Dementia --- I Think I'll be Home for Christmas

4. Narcissistic --- Hark the Herald Angels Sing
About Me

5. Manic --- Deck the Halls and Walls and House and
Lawn and Streets and Stores and Office and Town and
Cars and Buses and Trucks and Trees and.....

6. Paranoid --- Santa Claus is Coming to Town to
Get Me

7. Borderline Personality Disorder --- Thoughts of
Roasting on an Open Fire

8. Personality Disorder --- You Better Watch Out,
I'm Gonna Cry, I'm Gonna Pout, Maybe I'll Tell You Why

9. Attention Deficit Disorder --- Silent night, Holy ...
oooh look at the Froggy - can I have a chocolate, why is France so far away?

10. Obsessive Compulsive Disorder - -- Jingle Bells,

Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells,

Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells,

Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle,Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle BellsJingle BellsJingleBellsJingleBellsJingle BellsJingleBellsJingleBellsJingleBellsJingle BellsJingleBellsJingleBellsJingleBellsJingleBellsJingleBellsJingleBellsJingleBel lsJingleBellsJingleBellsJingleBellsJingleBellsJingleBells ...

Jan Vigne
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Re: Jokes

A string walks into a bar...

Celine Dion walks into a bar...

Hey! Wait a minute!

"A string walks into a bar... "

"Celine Dion walks into a bar... "

That's the same joke.

Jan Vigne
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With all the sadness and trauma going on in the world at the moment, it
is worth reflecting on the death of a very important person, which almost
went unnoticed last week.

Larry LaPrise, the man that wrote "The Hokie Pokey" died peacefully at the
age of 93.

The most traumatic part for his family was getting him into the
coffin.

They put his left leg in.

And then the trouble started.

Shut up. You know it's funny.

ncdrawl
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I dont get it.

Quote:
A string walks into a bar...

Celine Dion walks into a bar...

Hey! Wait a minute!

"A string walks into a bar... "

"Celine Dion walks into a bar... "

That's the same joke.

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A travelling salesman is on a veryt very rural route, and right about sundown, right about in the middle of nowehere, his car breaks down.

He walks five miles to the nearest farmhouse and knocks.

A farmer answers the door and the salesman explains his predicament.

The farmer says, "Well, I can tow you into town in the morning. Meanwhile, you're welcome to stay here tonight, but you'd have to sleep with my son."

The salesman says, "Sorry, I must have the wrong joke!"

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A priest, a rabbi, a blond, and a bear walk into a bar. Bartender says, "Hey, what is this, some kinda joke?"

Jan Vigne
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George Bush has a heart attack and dies. Obviously, he goes to hell where the devil is waiting for him. I'm not sure what to do," says the devil. "You're on my list but I have no room for you. You definitely have to stay here, so I'm going to have to let someone else go. I've got three folks here who weren't quite as bad as you. I'll let one of them go, but you have to take their place. I'll even let you decide who leaves."

George thought that sounded pretty good, so he agreed.

The devil opened the first room. In it was Richard Nixon and a large pool of water. He kept diving in and climbing out, over and over. Such was his fate in hell.

"No!" George said. "I don't think so. I'm not a good swimmer and don't think I could do that all day long." !

The devil led him to the next room. In it was Tony Blair with a sledge hammer and a room full of rocks. All he did was swing the hammer, time after time.

"No!" I've got this problem with my shoulder. I would be in constant agony if all I could do was break rocks all day." commented George.

The devil opened a third door. In it, George saw Bill Clinton lying on the floor with his arms staked over his head, and his legs staked in a spread-eagle pose. Bent over him was Monica Lewinsky, doing what she does best.

George Bush looked at this in disbelief for a while and finally said,

"Yeah, I can handle this."

The devil smiled and said "Ok, Monica, you're free to go!"

Jan Vigne
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Saul is working in his store when he hears a booming voice from above: "Saul, sell your business."
He ignores it.
It goes on for days.
"Saul, sell your business for $3 million."
After weeks of this, he relents, sells his store.
The voice says

Jan Vigne
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I was making love to this girl and she started crying. I said, "Are you going to hate yourself in the morning?" She said. "No. I hate myself now." (Rodney Dangerfield)

Jan Vigne
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Jesus and Saint Peter are golfing. St. Peter steps up to the tee on a par three and hits one long and straight. It reaches the green. Jesus is up next. He slices it. It heads over the fence into traffic on an adjacent street. Bounces off a truck, onto the roof of a nearby shack and into the rain gutter, down the drain spout and onto a lilly pad at the edge of a lake. A frog jumps up and snatches the ball in his mouth. An eagle swoops down, grabs the frog. As the eagle flies over the green, the frog croaks and drops the ball. It

Jan Vigne
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A guy shows up late for work. The boss yells "You should have been here at 8:30!" he replies: "Why? What happened at 8:30?"

Jan Vigne
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I knew these Siamese twins. They moved to England, so the other one could drive.

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Last night I was having dinner with Charles Manson, and in the middle of dinner he turned to me and said "Is it hot in here, or am I crazy?"

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I picked up a copy of Bennet Cerf's "Laugh a Day" for fifty cents at the library's used book sale. It is, "A brand new treasury of over 100 humorous stories, annecdotes, puns and verse by the nation's number one raconteur ... " Quite a deal for fifty cents!

(You should award yourself extra credit if you know who Bennet Cerf was and double the extra points if you can remember when you felt rich with fifty cents in your pocket.)

Bennet Cerf had a gentle humor that could be told on 1960's television.

"There's a freshman at Dartmouth this year who bids fair to make his mark as a social commentator. His first paper for a philosophy section contained this summary: 'Socrates was a famous Greek who went around giving people excellent advice. They poisoned him.'"

Quotations:

From Arnold Glasgow: "A good leader takes a little more than his share of the blame and a little less than his share of the credit."

From Somerset Maugham: "Only a mediocre person is always at their best."

From W.C. Fields: "If at first you don't succeed, try, try a couple more times. Then quit. There's no sense in making a fool of yourself."

"Two idiots had their first look at water skiing. Asked one, 'Why's the boat go so fast?' Answered the other, 'The lunatic on the string keeps chasing it.'"

From the introduction to the book, "I don't think Americans are laughing enough these days. We're worrying too much about our 'image' and whether other people love us enough. The strongest country in the world needs respect from others more than love. And it needs the saving grace - and courage - to be able to laugh at itself. The country that can no longer chuckle sometimes at its own foibles is in trouble. We've become too thin skinned - and, yes, too pompous."

The copyright is 1965.

Jan Vigne
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It's funny no one else knows a joke.

mrlowry
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No one wanted to stop you while you were on a roll. Consider it a compliment.

Jan Vigne
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It's been a week, I've never known any of you to be so patient.

Grosse Fatigue
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This is rather mild compared to Bush's best jokes

For example when Bush said that we should get oil and gaz from Mexico so we don't depend on foreign oil

Editor
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Quote:
It's been a week, I've never known any of you to be so patient.

Okay, I'll have a go:

A horse walked into a bar. "Why the long face?" asked the barman.

A horse, a rabbi, and a priest walked into a bar. "What is this, some kinda joke?" asked the barman.

Three men walked into a bar. The fourth ducked.

John Atkinson
Editor, Stereophile

Buddha
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What is the difference between hard and dark?

Dark lasts all night long.

What's the difference between light and hard?

A guy can sleep with a light on.

How many Californians does it take to screw in a light bulb?

None, Californians screw in hot tubs.

How many (pardon the sexism) sorority girls does it take to change a light bulb?

Two, one to hold the Pepsi while the other one calls dad.

(Now, the flip side, non-sexist one) How many feminists does it take to change a light bulb?

One, AND IT'S NOT FUNNY!

How many audiophiles who are in the hobby only for the love of music does it take to change a light bulb?

Both of them.

Buddha
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Why do bagpipers walk while they play?

To try and get away from that awful noise!

A bagpiper saves his money for years, and can finally affrd the finest bagpipes made.

After he goes to the music store and picks up his prize, he stops briefly at the super market on his way home, being very careful to make sure his car is locked and his beautiful new instrument is safe.

He's in the store only for a moment, and as he returns to his car, he is crestfallen to see the back window of his car broken.

"My beautiful bagpipes!" he exclaims as he races to the car to see if they are still there.

When he gets to the car, he fearfully looks inside...

...and sees a second set of bagpipes!

________

JA walks into a pub with an octopus. He sits the octopus down on a stool and tell everyone in the pub this is a very talented animal. "He can play any musical instrument in the world."

Everyone in the pub laughs, calling him an idiot. So he says that he will bet $50 to anyone who has an instrument that the octopus can't play.

A Welshman walks up with a guitar and sets it beside the octopus. Immediately the octopus picks up the guitar and starts playing better than Segovia. The Welshman pays his $50.

Another Englishman walks up with a trumpet. This time the octopus plays the trumpet better than Miles Davis. This Englishman also pays up his $50.

Then a Scotsman walks up with some bagpipes. He gives them to the octopus who fumbles around with them in a confused fashion for several minutes.

"Ha!" the Scot says, "Can ye nae play it?"

The octopus looks up at him and says, "Play it? As soon as I figure out hove to get it's pajamas off, I'm gonna fuck it!"

mrlowry
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Q. What's the definition of a gentleman?
A. Someone who knows how to play the bagpipe and doesn't.

The Irish gave the bagpipes to the Scots as a joke, but the Scots haven

mrlowry
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Three Nuns die in a car accident. When arriving at the gates of Heaven St. Peter informs the Nuns that they must be COMPLETELY pure before they can enter the Kingdom of Heaven.

He asks of the first Nun, "Are you COMPLETELY pure?" Being an honest woman the Nun sheepishly admits, "I once touched a penis while playing doctor with the boy next door as a child."

St. Peter replies, "That will be forgiven. Please cleans your hands in this fountain." and points to a beautiful marble fountain directly to his right.

As the first Nun begins washing her hands in the fountain a violent fight breaks out between the two remaining Nuns. St. Paul immediately intercedes, "Ladies, ladies what seems to be the problem? Any disputes that you may have had in life are meaningless now."

The third Nun replys, "I'll be damned if she gets to wash her ass before I get to gargle!"

Buddha
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An Irishman, a Scot, and an Englishman are sitting around in a New York pub. Hey are all proud of their heritage and they start bragging about the pubs back home.

The Scot starts off talking about the fine ambience of Scottish pubs, the terrific haggis they serve, and adds,

Grosse Fatigue
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A man proposes his girl friend and she answers

"No thank you. I prefer being your mistress instead of becoming your ex-wife. A man never gets bored with his mistress".

mrlowry
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What does Tara Reid say at the end of a first date? "Not on my face."

"What did Santa Clause give Tara Reid for Christmas?. . . Chlamydia !"

absolutepitch
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source of this one is not known (I forgot).

Q: How many software engineers does it take to change a lightbulb?

A: None. It's a hardware problem.

Jan Vigne
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Law of Mechanical Repair: After your hands become coated with grease your nose will begin to itch or you'll have to pi$$.

Law of the Workshop: Any tool, when dropped, will roll to the least accessible corner.

Law of Probability: The probability of being watched is directly proportional to the stupidity of your act.

Law of the Telephone: When you dial a wrong number, you never get a busy signal.

Law of the Alibi: If you tell the boss you were late for work because you had a flat tire, the very next morning you will have a flat tire.

Variation Law: If you change lines (or traffic lanes), the one you were in will start to move faster than the one you are in now. (works every time)

BathTheorem: When the body is fully immersed in water, the telephone rings.

Law of Close Encounters: The probability of meeting someone you know increases when you are with someone you don't want to be seen with.

Law of the Result: When you try to prove to someone that a machine won't work, it will.

Law of Bio mechanics: The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the reach.

Theatre Rule: At any event, the people whose seats are furthest from the aisle arrive last.

Law of Coffee: As soon as you sit down to a cup of hot coffee, your boss will ask you to do something which will last until the coffee is cold.

Murphy's Law of Lockers: If there are only two people in a locker room, they will have adjacent lockers.

Law of Dirty Rugs/Carpets: The chances of an open-faced jam sandwich landing face down on a floor covering are directly correlated to the newness and cost of the carpet/rug.

Law of Location: No matter where you go, there you are.

Brown's Law: If the shoe fits, it's really ugly.

Wilson's Law: As soon as you find a product that you really like, they will stop making it.

Jan Vigne
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The following is supposedly an actual question given on a University of Washington chemistry mid-term. The answer by one student was so profound that the professor shared it with colleagues, via the Internet, which is, of course, why we now have the pleasure of enjoying it as well.

Bonus Question: Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)?

Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law (gas cools when it expands and heats when it is compressed) or some variant.

One student, however, wrote the following:

First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So we need to know the rate at which souls are moving into Hell and the rate at which they are leaving. I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving.

As for how many souls are entering Hell, let's look at the different Religions that exist in the world today. Most of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell.

Since there is more than one of these religions and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all souls go to Hell. With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially. Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell because Boyle's Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand proportionately as souls are added.

This gives two possibilities:

1. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell breaks loose.

2. If Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over.

So which is it?

If we accept the postulate given to me by Teresa during my Freshman year that, "it will be a cold day in Hell before I sleep with you, and take into account the fact that I slept with her last night, then number 2 must be true, and thus I am sure that Hell is exothermic and has already frozen over. The corollary of this theory is that since Hell has frozen over, it follows that it is not accepting any more souls and is therefore, extinct...leaving only Heaven thereby proving the existence of a divine being which explains why, last night, Teresa kept shouting

"Oh my God."

THIS STUDENT RECEIVED THE ONLY "A"

BillB
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A confirmed true one: a law student at Univ of Virginia was called upon to explain a particular point of case law by a demanding professor. Student was not prepared that day and had no clue. He pulled out his wallet and flipped it open, like the communicator thing in Star Trek. And spoke into the wallet, saying, "Scotty, beam me up!".
The professor flunked him and booted him from class.

Back to jokes: What do you call a set of bagpipes tossed off a cliff?
Perfect pitch.

What do you call a coal miner killed by a falling piano?
A flat minor.

BillB
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Q. What do you say to a banjo player dressed in a coat and tie?

A. Will the defendant please rise!

Q. How do you tell banjo songs apart?

A. Well... they DO have different NAMES...

Banjos lead me to West Virginia jokes --
How can you tell that a West Virginian invented the first toothbrush?
Because if it had been a Virginian, it would have been called a teethbrush..

Jan Vigne
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The Gynecologist

A gynecologist had become fed up with malpractice insurance and HMO
paperwork and was burned out.
Hoping to try another career where skillful hands would be beneficial,
he decided to become a mechanic. He went to the local technical college ,
signed up for classes, attended diligently, and learned all he could.
When the time for the practical exam approached, the gynecologist prepared
carefully for weeks and completed the exam with tremendous skill.

When the results came back, he was surprised to find that he had obtained
a score of 150%. Fearing an error, he called the instructor, saying,
"I don't want to appear ungrateful for such an outstanding result, but I
wonder if there is an error in the grade."

The instructor said, "During the exam, you took the engine apart
perfectly, which was worth 50% of the total mark.
You put the engine back together again perfectly, which is also worth 50%
of the mark."
After a pause, the instructor added, "I gave you an extra 50% because you
did it all through the muffler, which I've never seen done in my entire
career."

nyctc7
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Why are Heidi Fleiss, OJ Simpson, Ted Kennedy and Barney Frank the worst golf team ever assembled?

- Because Heidi Hooks, OJ Slices, Kennedy is in the Water and Barney is always in the wrong hole

rvance
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Guy goes to his doctor and cries:

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