Stephen Mejias

I have a good feeling, however, that this year's version will be safe, pleasant, and lacking in the Inappropriate Drama department. Thank you. Can't get much safer than pizza from 4 to 7pm, can it?

Please, god, let it be safe. Let it be safe.
It will be. It will be.

No, really — this is a great time for us to have an office get-together. Lately, there've been some new faces around the water cooler [We actually don't have one of those.] and it'd be great to get to know everyone a little better.

Excuse me, I'm talking about the safe and pleasant way of getting to know someone a little better. Nothing crazy. No bumping and grinding on the dance floor, no secret smooches behind the coat hanger, no holding anyone's hair back over the toilet. Nothing like that at all. And don't get all excited. I'm not saying that I ever personally experienced anything like this. I'm not even saying that any of this wacky stuff ever happens at office parties anywhere ever at all throughout the entire history of office parties ever in any culture or any land anywhere.

I'm just saying. For entertainment purposes only. I'm just throwing out some (THEORETICAL) examples of what our office party — this year's safe and pleasant, but nonetheless totally awesome, office party — won't be. Thank you.

And pizza. I love pizza.
A pizza pie: eight hot slices of god.