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iosiP
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Free tweaks you were never told about

1. Tie you wife's neck with a rope, using a Reef knot. No other knots should be used. Only a Reef knot (I think it might be called a Square knot in the USA). Just make sure you do not make a Granny knot by mistake! Dont' tighten too hard, you may damage you wife. You will immediatly notice a vast improvement to the sound (expecially microdetails), due to the exceptional lowering of the noise floor.

2. Place your wife's credit cards under the feet of any heavy furniture, and make sure she cannot remove them. Be careful to place them in a diagonal pattern (never parallel to he furniture edges) and facing down, so that they cannot be readily identified. Listen to some music for a short time, then remove the credit cards and see if you can listen to the same music with the same pleasure - without the control on your wife spending habits.

3. Place one bottle of Absolut Vodka in a plain plastic bag and place this bag in the domestic deep freezer for one hour. Pour yourself a glass of vodka which has been through the freezing process first and then see if you can listen to music while drinking the other (unfrozen) vodka with the same pleasure. If you have success with freezing vodka, then try putting tequila or a bottle of dry gin through the freezing process also.

iosiP
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About symmetry

We all know humans benefit from symmetry (just ask any audiophile if he would like a girlfriend/secretary with asymmetrical boobs). Now what are humans mainly made of? Well, you guessed it right: it's water, the substance that supports life and allows some nice guys from the CIA to perform enhanced interrogations.
Now let take a closer look at the formula: H2O. It can be seen that, while H and O are symmetrical in both vertical and horizontal planes, the nasty 2 ruins all our efforts to enjoy music. Yes, we could write it as HIIO, but this would only help Latin listeners and anyhow would not be perfect. So what can we do about it?
It's easy, and I'll show you a free method to transform H2O into HOH, which takes symmetry to a far higher level (notice that now the full formula is symmetrical). To do this simply mix equal parts of regular tap water with and cryo'd water (again, using the deep freezer of your refrigerator), then pot the bottle on top of you CD player while playing you favorite Christmas song (any song, provided it contains the lyrics HO-HO-HO. Since laser light scatters better from the HO than from the -, the end result will be HOH-OHO. Now notice that OHO is an unstable substance (and has a minus sign in front of it), so the only modulated light reaching the bottle will contain quantum HOH excitons that will affect the water at the molecular level.

How to use it? Well, you can just drink it (plain) but it works better if you deep freeze it again and pour a moderate quantity of HOH cubes in you single malt. Also, you can wash your ears with it (just make sure you wash both ears and use the same amount of HOH for each of them), therefore achieving what is usually known as "supersymmetry".

More to come!

iosiP
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Quantum improvements for all

You all know about quantum physics: the little thingies that you can't see but have a huge effect on your lives!
Well, quantum teleportation is not about transferring matter, but just information!
Suppose the bartender of a Miami bar is making the best Martini available - well, you can use a mixologist (that's a cocktail expert) to analyse the drink and spell out the recipe by phone just to your home. Now, of course you may wonder how you can get the same results without using the same ingredients and suitable sources of energy (i.e. a freezer for the ice cubes, a heater to get the flavor out the orange jest) or the professional utensils.
But don't worry, it's all taken care of: our teleportation transfer has it all figured out, so you can enjoy your perfect martini no matter what you pour in your glass! Better yet, recent developments allow you to not call at all: the perfect martini will be yours as soon as your payment for $49.99 (credit card only) is confirmed. This is the power of quantum technology: a fast and guaranteed transfer of cash information between your bank account and ours!

geoffkait
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Recharging fee

The most challenging part of producing intelligent chips, the ones containing a bunch of electron clouds with holes in the middle, that I sell for $29, was figuring out how in the heck to recharge the damned things, since they are only good for a limited number of CDs, the current version 14, after which time they run out of steam. Now, I don't know about you but my recharging fee seemed like a pretty good deal, $39 to recharge an intelligent chip. Unfortunately I no longer offer this recharging service.

Geoff Kait
Machina Dynamica
We do artificial atoms right

iosiP
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I do not want to keep my customers captive

You know the drill: they sell you a nice color printer for $199.95 (which is below manufacturing cost) but then you have to buy their ink cartridges at $99.95 a pop, 'cause these are the only ones that work.

No sir, not me! I offer charging kits to my customers, consisting of small boxes of regular atoms, an electron microscope and a nano depitter that they can use to remove the nuclei. It comes complete with instructions manual and a video tutorial on DVD or BD.

wkhanna
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Free is Good

Many have likely already seen this......
But if not, then here is Pierre Sprey's ideas for a few free-bees.

Oh, and my personal favorite 'free' tweak ?????
Going over to my friend, Emery's place & drinking from his 40+ collection of single-malts while we listen.
His flea-watt tube power & single driver full-range rig always sounds so sweet.

Bill

http://www.mapleshadestore.com/upgrades.php

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Problem with the nuclei

IosiP, the whole problem with nuclei extraction, an exceptionally tedious procedure that must be performed early in the morning, usually before my second cup of coffee, utilizing a tiny dental root canal extraction vacuum tool that's been heavily modified, is that the nuclei will tend to fly all over the room once they have been extracted from the center of the artificial atoms. Rather than allow the extracted atomic nuclei to fly willy nilly all around the preferred technique is to neutralize the positively charged nuclei using large tourmaline ion blowers as they are being extracted, thus imparting a neutral charge to the nuclei and allowing them to float safely to the floor where they can be swept up or vacuumed up at a later date like teeny tiny dust bunnies.

Geoff Kait
Machina Dynamica

iosiP
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Too complicated

Since the nuclei are positively charged I just use a negatively charged flyswat to collect them as they jump out of the atoms. Less mess in the kitchen and no need to vacuum the floor.
Also, my cat is quite fond of them so I avoid leaving nuclei on the floor: she reacts in a strange way after licking a full load, mostly disturbing the HF content of my music... Just lucky I can drag her out from behind the component rack using a strong magnet.

iosiP
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About EMI

We all know EMI is bad, so we do our best to shield our systems as well as we can. However, music is not only perceived by our ears but also by our brain, and all sensory stimuli are transmitted by way of electrical pulses between our neurons. Therefore, it is of utmost importance to shield our brains against EMI!
Now here is a simple (and free) way to achieve it: just take a stainless steel pot from your kitchen and put it o your head, than connect a white-colored wire to the pot and plug it into the ground of the closest outlet (Warning: do not plug it in any other hole or you may be in for a surprise). Now you are ready to listen and enjoy an EMI-free experience.

P.S. For better results we are offering you specially treated tin-foil hats tailored according to your own measure: just $69.95 (earthing cable not included) on our soon to be launched site!

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Free tweaks your mother never told you about

At the risk of looking like a complete troll here's a cool free tweak you can impress all your friends with.

Here's a fun little project. Count the number of drainspouts on your house or building and obtain enough 14" black cable ties (from Home Depot, for example) so that you will have one cable tie per drainspout. Secure one black cable tie to each drainspout one foot up from the bottom opening. Tip: if you live in an apartment complex or high rise building be sure and have a good answer ready in case someone catches you attaching black cable ties to drainspouts and asks what you're doing.

Cheers,

Geoff Kait
Machina Dynamica

iosiP
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What are drainspouts?

No kidding, I learned my English mostly by professional need: I know what a drain is but "drainspout" is new (BTW, even the spell checker underlined it).

geoffkait
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Down spout, drain spout, etc.

Downspout

This article is about the drainage pipe. For the tornado over water, see waterspout. For the fictional police officer, see Constable Downspout.

Rain gutter and downspout
A downspout, waterspout,[1] downpipe, drain spout, roof drain pipe,[2] leader, or rone (Scotland)[3] is a pipe for carrying rainwater from a rain gutter.

Downspouts are usually vertical and usually extend down to ground level. The water is directed away from the building's foundation, to protect the foundations from water damage. The water is usually piped to a sewer, or let into the ground through seepage.

Decorative heads are sometimes added, these being low-height gargoyles.

Geoff Kait
Machina Dynamica

geoffkait
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Move along, double post

No text

Geoff Kait
Machina Dynamica

iosiP
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I see! My drainspouts are all external

So I would have no problem with the installation (no NSA-financed neighbours).
How is it supposed to work?

geoffkait
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It works by magic.

You gotta problem with that? But seriously, I haven't done any tests with this tweak other than listening, and I realize I'm going out on a limb here but I suspect the tweak works by Morphic Resonance in some fashion or another. One reason I say that is there doesn't seem to be a competing theory, a conventional theory or otherwise. If you have a theory of operation by all means share, share.

Geoff Kait
Machina Dynamica

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The old telephone books ploy

Now, I dunno if anyone still keeps telephone books anymore but I'll tell one thing. If you do have telephone books lying around they are bad news and quite deleterious to the sound. Another tip for all you future Morphic Housekeepers out there is always store all media in a vertical position, whether it's books, CDs, LPs, Beta tapes,magazines, what have you. Much better for the sound. Even Tuners will be able to hear this.

Cheers

Geoff We're Only in it for the Money Kait
Machina Dramatica

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